InsaneJournal

You Could Use a Good Caretaker
Title: You Could Use a Good Caretaker
Author: bohemianspirit
Genre: Humor, AU, Slash (unrequited), Crackfic
Characters: Severus Snape, Dwayne Schneider
Crossover: Harry Potter/One Day at a Time
Rating: PG
Originally posted: 12-12-07, on my LJ

Summary: Dwayne Schneider thinks Severus Snape is in need of a good caretaker.

Notes: Bit of a time warp going on here, bringing late 1970s Schneider into the late 1990s to meet AU postwar Snape. I haven't seen the show in at least twenty years, so my characterization of Schneider might be a bit off, but if you're reading a story like this in search of literary quality, you're even more far gone than I am.




You Could Use a Good Caretaker


Severus stood on a city street, gazing up at a cloudless sky of brilliant turquoise blue. Such a sky, alone, was worth living to see; for what other purpose he'd been spared, he still had not a clue.

He caught a glimpse of himself, reflected in a shop window: For the ugliest sod on the planet, he thought, he didn't look half bad. His khaki trousers were as neatly pressed as magic could make them, and his hair, recently trimmed at the ends, fell almost gracefully about the shoulders of an off-white T-shirt bearing an image of John Lennon. He preferred black and dark green, even in Muggle attire, but the Midwest in late August was hotter than hell, so khaki and cream would have to do.

He'd been wandering the States for a number of weeks, now, with no aim beyond getting as far away from the Wizarding World of Britain as he could contrive. But he was growing tired of wandering, and had begun to consider settling, at least for a while, in one place and building some kind of a life for himself.

"Now there's a man who looks like he could use direction."

Severus started. He turned and looked into the penetrating eyes of a wiry dark-haired man wearing blue jeans and a white T-shirt with a black leather waistcoat, unbuttoned.

"Do I?" Severus inquired, his nostrils flaring.

"Perhaps I can be of some assistance," the man went on, tucking his thumbs in the armholes of his waistcoat. He cocked his head, looking expectantly at Severus.

"All right." Severus gave a clipped nod. "Perhaps you can begin by telling me where I am."

The man shrugged. "Depends on what you mean by where."

"What city?"

"Indianapolis."

"Indianapolis," repeated Severus.

"That's right."

Which told Severus nothing, other than what name to look for on a map to determine his location within the United States. If he were going to stay in the country for any length of time, perhaps he ought to obtain a map and begin giving serious consideration--

"The name's Schneider," said the man, holding out a hand which Severus reluctantly shook. "A caretaker by trade--and, they say, something of a ladies' man. However," he wriggled his eyebrows, "I might be willing to make an exception."

Severus recoiled. "I am afraid I am not," he said.

"Oh, come on."

"I'm not queer."

"Neither am I." Schneider grinned. "I'm just horny."

"Is there a public restroom nearby?"

"Ohhh. You like it like that, do ya?"

"I had in mind to relieve myself."

"Hey, hey! Two souls with a single thought!"

Severus spun about and stalked away, looking for a nice private place to Disapparate.

"What have you got to lose?" the man called out after him. "Certainly not your virginity!"

Well at least he'd got that much right.

Severus quickened his pace and soon had left the horny caretaker, and his dubious assistance, far behind. For now, at least, he was quite capable of taking care of himself.